Regrettable Moment No. 455

Way back when we were barely teenagers, we hung around Hudson Street Playground.  It wasn’t much of place, but it was ours. It was a ¼ basketball court with a single hoop, nestled on the hill near the Hungarian Church overlooking what had been Regan’s Farm.  It was located in a valley town which was dominated by the mill.

The town had been generally tough, but tougher now that the mills were starting to struggle. The grit which spewed from the mills made the town tough; Hell, it made us tougher than young teens should be.

We were a loose knit group of about 8 guys. Bob always lugged around an 8-track player, which was normally playing Shook Me All Night Long. Don, Dan and his brother were the usual’s.

Bob was tall.  I mean tall for a kid.  He was damned near 6 foot 4.   He was the athletic one.

Adjacent to the Hudson Street Playground was an awkward trailer court.  No, it wasn’t a campground.  It was a small place where a handful of trailers were permanently attached.   We had never met anyone who lived there.

One typical day at Hudson Street Playground, we were sitting around as normal – spitting tobacco juice and sipping on snitched beers.  We were quite busy with that ritual when a strange voice broke the silence, “Hey” it said.

We turned and saw a kid our age whom we had never seen before.  He said, “I’m Biff.  I just moved into that trailer park”.

The fact that he was new, lived I the odd trailer park, and carried a cassette player blaring REO Speedwagon made this new guy tough to like.

He hung around for a bit, made some awkward attempts at forced conversation, and meandered over toward the trailer park.

Using idiot teenage logic, we decided we didn’t like Biff.  However, Biff stopped by the playground from time to time and annoyed us with his awkward forced attempts at conversation, such as, “Hey, did you see the tits on that chick?” or “I really like Barry Manilow”, or the infamous, “I think Jo Polniaczek is hotter than Blair Warner on The Facts of Life.”

One day, as the summer wore on, we were all sitting at the picnic table.  Suddenly, we saw Biff riding his bike in circles on Hudson Street.  It was hot. We were busy spitting tobacco juice onto the slag, but we didn’t have any snitched beers.  We watched Biff Circle, with his cassette player blasting “Mandy”.

After a while, Bob said, “I bet I could hit Biff with a rock.”

Now, mind you that this was an innocuous teenage bet. Also, Hudson Street had to be 150 feet from the picnic table.

Biff continued circling.

We kept discussing the odds of hitting him with a rock.  And, those odds seemed slim.

Someone said, “Hell, at that distance, you won’t be able to even reach the street, no less hit a moving target.

Bob says, “Okay, it’s a bet!”

He reached down and picked up a silver dollar size piece of slag.

He watched Biff circling.

Bob finally went into a Baseball style wind up.  His right arm cocked backward, he stepped forward, and threw the rock towards Hudson Street.

Biff circled.

We watched the rock.  It arced upward on a high trajectory.

As the rock started coming down, we watched Biff circle.

Then, we were all horrified – We realized that the trajectory of the falling rock directly aligned with Biff’s path.

Dan said, “Ain’t no way it’s gonna hit him n’at.”.

Anyway, Dan was wrong.  In fact, he couldn’t’ have been more wrong.

The rock popped biff on the right side of his head.  He pedaled two rotations after the impact, then his hand wobbled on the handlebars.

He crashed the bike right in the middle of Hudson Street.

Barry Manilow stopped playing.

We heard crying.  He got up off of the pavement and headed toward the trailer park.

We all beat a path out of there.

Over the next day or two, we all sheepishly gathered at Hudson Street Playground.  No one mentioned the rock incident.

Suddenly, Biff walked up behind us. He had a new cassette player and a big piece of gauze taped to his head.

He said, “Man, I really wrecked my bike bad the other day.”

No one had any words.  They were taken by the frog in our throats.

Biff’s mom yelled out of the trailer door for him to come to dinner, and he trotted off.

We spent the rest of the afternoon in silence.  Spitting tobacco and staring at each other, and secretly feeling bad about Biff.

The Booger Burglar

I think it was George Carlin who said, “You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends nose.

Invariably, that quote always sends me back to the fifth grade.  There was some kid.  No, I don’t recall his name. He was a grade or two behind me.   Anyway, everyday after lunch, regardless of the weather, they’d send us outside for recess.

Recess took place in a fairly large asphalt parking lot. About once a week, this kid would pick a big ol’ juicy booger out of his nose, and place it on the tip of his right index finger.  He’d then approach a group of unsuspecting kids – normally a group of girls – and threaten to touch them with his booger.

The target group would then scream, squeal, and run, and he’d chase them around the parking lot.  He’d have the brightest eyes and the biggest smile while this went on.

Even at the tender and awkward age of 10, I realized that was an awful way to impress a chick.

I’ve been thinking about this booger-fingered kid for a whole lot of years.   It struck me that, if at my age, someone threatened to touch me with a booger, I’d probably squeal and run too – and I’m a grown ass man!

That got me to thinking; I’m betting a person, if they really wanted to, could go on a weaponless crime spree.  Hear me out – In place of a weapon, you could use a booger on your index finger.  Seriously.  Picture it.  You could storm into a gas station, pick a huge juicy booger out of your nose, plant it on the tip of your index finger, and BAM – You’re good to go.

How?  Threaten to touch the clerk with the booger.  I mean, “Hey – Empty out that cash drawer into this bag or I’ll touch you with this booger!”. You may have to point the booger like a gun, and take a step or two toward the clerk, but the money is gonna be put in the bag.

If the manager causes any problems, you could grab him from behind, with his neck in the crook of your left elbow. Your right finger (with the booger) would be pointed at his cheek like a gun. Then, you could announce to the entire store, “If anyone wants to try and be a hero, I’ll wipe this booger on this guy’s cheek!”

So, after the deed is done, you can run out the door, flick the booger into the parking lot, jump on the 61C bus, and ride off into the sunset.

The best part is when the cops show up.   The cop will ask the clerk, “So, what did this guy look like?”

The clerk will say “He was about 40 years old, 6 feet tall, white, and about 200 pounds.”

“What did he get away with?”

“About $1,200 bucks.”

“What kind of gun did he have?”

“Uh.. he didn’t’ have a gun”

“What kid of knife did he have?”

“Uh, he didn’t have a knife.”

“Club?”

“No.”

“Stick?”

“No.”

“Well, what did he have?”

“He had a booger.”.

“A Booger?”

“Yeah. A booger.  A booger on his right index finger.”

“A booger?!?!?!?”

“Yeah, he threatened to wipe his booger on us.”

“No more questions.”

Hoagie Gate

Back in the mid 90’s, I worked for a  small but growing company.   We burgeoned to about 100 employees about the same time that email was brand new corporate technology.

At one point, we received an email that was sent to “Everyone”.   It was from some new guy who was recently hired in our Appraisal Department.  He sent the blast email because he was trying to sell hoagies for his kids PTA.

Even though most of us didn’t know him, the prospect of a cheap hoagie lunch at some point in the future sounded good. The new guy sold 82 hoagies via this email. He sent another email about how happy we all made him.  He must’ve broken a hoagie selling record or something.  He promised to deliver the hoagies in two more Fridays.

That second Friday arrived and we were all looking forward to a hoagie luncheon.  We arrived. We heard nothing about hoagies.  I mean not a peep.

I called the new hoagie guys boss.  Soon after he picked up the phone, I got he distinct impression that I wasn’t the first hoagie lover to call him.

He said, “Dude – He called off today”.

I said, “You mean Nicky New Hoagie Guy called off?”

He said, “Yeah”.

I said, ‘Is he sending his wife in with the hoagies or something?”

He said, “I have no idea, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

All 82 of us made alternate lunch arrangements.

All 82 of us talked shit on the hoagie guy.

Fast forward to Monday.  Hoagie guy sends another blast email that says, “Hey, I’m sorry I was sick on Friday. I have all of your hoagies at my desk. Please drop off your $4 and pick up your hoagie.”

Nobody obliged him. I mean c’mon. He picked these hoagies up on Thursday night for a Friday delivery.  It’s now Monday.  These things are now a minimum of 5 days old. Moreover, let’s assume that a regular guy has a regular size fridge, and that regular guy sold 82 hoagies, they ain’t gonna fit in his fridge.

Ick. Count me out.

Hell, everyone counted themselves out.

Hoagie guy sent another blast email saying, “Hey, you all promised to buy these here hoagies, and if you don’t pay for them, I’ll have to pay for them out of pocket”.

I responded, “Hey Hoagie Guy.  We wanted hoagies on Friday when there was a chance that they wouldn’t poison us.  Count me out. “

I supposed that many others responded similarly.

A few hours later, we all receive a blast email from the Big Boss Man.  It says, “Mister Hoagie Guy has submitted his resignation.   If you have any non-hoagie business to discuss with him please contact <InsertSupervisorsName>. . . “