I think it was George Carlin who said, “You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends nose.
Invariably, that quote always sends me back to the fifth grade. There was some kid. No, I don’t recall his name. He was a grade or two behind me. Anyway, everyday after lunch, regardless of the weather, they’d send us outside for recess.
Recess took place in a fairly large asphalt parking lot. About once a week, this kid would pick a big ol’ juicy booger out of his nose, and place it on the tip of his right index finger. He’d then approach a group of unsuspecting kids – normally a group of girls – and threaten to touch them with his booger.
The target group would then scream, squeal, and run, and he’d chase them around the parking lot. He’d have the brightest eyes and the biggest smile while this went on.
Even at the tender and awkward age of 10, I realized that was an awful way to impress a chick.
I’ve been thinking about this booger-fingered kid for a whole lot of years. It struck me that, if at my age, someone threatened to touch me with a booger, I’d probably squeal and run too – and I’m a grown ass man!
That got me to thinking; I’m betting a person, if they really wanted to, could go on a weaponless crime spree. Hear me out – In place of a weapon, you could use a booger on your index finger. Seriously. Picture it. You could storm into a gas station, pick a huge juicy booger out of your nose, plant it on the tip of your index finger, and BAM – You’re good to go.
How? Threaten to touch the clerk with the booger. I mean, “Hey – Empty out that cash drawer into this bag or I’ll touch you with this booger!”. You may have to point the booger like a gun, and take a step or two toward the clerk, but the money is gonna be put in the bag.
If the manager causes any problems, you could grab him from behind, with his neck in the crook of your left elbow. Your right finger (with the booger) would be pointed at his cheek like a gun. Then, you could announce to the entire store, “If anyone wants to try and be a hero, I’ll wipe this booger on this guy’s cheek!”
So, after the deed is done, you can run out the door, flick the booger into the parking lot, jump on the 61C bus, and ride off into the sunset.
The best part is when the cops show up. The cop will ask the clerk, “So, what did this guy look like?”
The clerk will say “He was about 40 years old, 6 feet tall, white, and about 200 pounds.”
“What did he get away with?”
“About $1,200 bucks.”
“What kind of gun did he have?”
“Uh.. he didn’t’ have a gun”
“What kid of knife did he have?”
“Uh, he didn’t have a knife.”
“Club?”
“No.”
“Stick?”
“No.”
“Well, what did he have?”
“He had a booger.”.
“A Booger?”
“Yeah. A booger. A booger on his right index finger.”
“A booger?!?!?!?”
“Yeah, he threatened to wipe his booger on us.”
“No more questions.”