I’ve worked at an odd array of jobs. One of those jobs was delivering home medical equipment to sick people.
The company was named GlassCock Home Care. They pretty much gave me this van, with a huge tank of liquid oxygen in the back and had me drive all over the tri state are filling up oxygen tanks and lugging hospital beds and stuff into newly sick folks’ homes.
One of the guys I had to work with was Fred. Fred was a rough old dude. For decades he had driven a semi hauling granite slabs for a Pittsburgh grave stone maker. Fred was also vulgar; extremely vulgar. He chain smoked filter-less Pall Malls, and he could weave curse words together like an artist.
Back then Tuesdays were crazy busy. I had sixteen oxygen stops, plus whatever other orders came in. I punched in at 6:15AM. Laterally that day, I as punching out at 6:30 PM, Fred walked out of the break room shirtless and wearing only red velvet pants with white fur cuffs.
I said, “What the Hell?”
He said, “Hey, can you drive me around town tonight? I can’t see when I’m wearing my beard.”.
I said, “Huh?”
He said, “Look, we can use one of these work trucks. I just need you to drive me around.”.
I said, “Huh?
He disappeared back into the breakroom.
Fred had all the class of a burley drunken sailor. I’ll admit that he was often funny, but I spent most of my time with him cringing.
Anyway, about 5 minutes later, Santa walked out of the breakroom. I mean not some dude in a Santa suit, but this REALLY looked like Santa! What it was was Fred in a really realistic Santa Suit.
I said, “What!”
He said, “I spend 11 months of the year as an Asshole who lives for himself. In December, I get to dress as Santa and give a bit back.”
I said “What?”
He said, “Dude, I’ve been working on this Santa suit for years. Grab the keys to your work truck and let’s go.”
So, we’re driving around Pittsburgh in this white Ford van. Fred hands me a list of 8 addresses. We go to house to house to house. I drop him off. He walks In, plays Santa and I’d pick him up.
Did I mention that he was the quintessential Santa? He was as perfect, prim, and gentle.
After house five as we’re driving through Mount Lebanon he says, “I need a smoke”. He rolls down the window, puts a filter-less Pall Mall in his mouth and lights it. I tool up to a red light, and a car load of college age kids pulls up on my right-hand side.
They roll down their driver side window and say, “Hey- It’s Santa!”
Fred takes a deep drag off of his Pall Mall, turns to them and says, with smoke flowing out of his mouth , “Ho-Ho-Ho-Mother-Fuckers!”
The light changed and I pulled away.